The Courage to Be Disliked – by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
Recommendation: 10/10. Date read: 2/23/21.
This is the best book I’ve read in months. The Courage to Be Disliked follows a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man who debate whether or not happiness is something you choose for yourself. The philosopher examines happiness from the theories and frameworks of Alfred Adler and Adlerian psychology. It’s a refreshing perspective that empowers you to escape determinism and avoid allowing yourself to be defined by past traumas or the weight of external expectations. As Kishimi emphasizes, “Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose for yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.” The Courage to Be Disliked is a wonderful resource to improve your relationships, find your courage, and pursue personal growth.
See my notes below or Amazon for details and reviews.
My Notes:
Determinism:
“If we focus only on past causes and try to explain things solely through cause and effect, we end up with ‘determinism.’ Because what this says is that our present and our future have already been decided by past occurrences, and are unalterable.” IK
Shift perspective from past causes to present goals to better understand the situation. Instead of “your friend is insecure so they won’t go out,” consider that “he doesn’t want to go out so he’s creating a state of anxiety.”
Etiology: the study of causation champion by Freud and Jung.
Teleology: the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause.
“The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.” Adler
Trauma:
“No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.” Adler
“Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose for yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.” IK
“An experience of hardship should be an opportunity to look ahead and think, What can I do from now on?” IK
Influence:
“Why are you rushing for answers? You should arrive at answers on your own, not rely upon what you get from someone else.” IK
Change:
“People can change at any time, regardless of the environments they are in. You are unable to change only because you are making the decision not to.” IK
Complacency: People might have complaints but it’s often easier and more secure to leave it the way it is. People become comfortable with being miserable.
Courage:
“When we try to change our lifestyles, we put our great courage to the test. There is the anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendant to not changing.” IK
“Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage. Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy.” IK
“Freedom is being disliked by other people…It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.” IK
“But conducting oneself in such a way as to not be disliked by anyone is an extremely unfree way of living, and is also impossible. There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one’s freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people.” IK
“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.” IK
“For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself.” IK
Relationships:
It’s basically impossible not to get hurt in relationships…you will get hurt and you will hurt someone. “To get rid of one’s problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone.” Adler
You don’t need to change everyone’s mind and not everyone needs to think identically to you. When you’re hung up on winning and losing, you lose the ability to make rational decisions and clouds your judgment as you’re preoccupied with immediate victory or defeat. It completely breaks your ability to assess long-term strategy.
“The moment one is convinced that ‘I am right’ in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle.” IK
Self-sufficiency:
Two objectives in Adlerian psychology are laid out for human behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. Two objectives for psychology that support these behaviors are the consciousness that I have the ability and that people are my comrades.
“You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations.” IK
“If you are not living your life for yourself, who could there be to live it instead of you?” IK
Recognition can’t be your motivation: “Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be ‘this kind of person.’” IK
Inferiority and superiority:
“The pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases but stimulants to normal, health striving and growth.” IK
How to compensate for the part that is lacking: “The healthiest way is to try to compensate through striving and growth. For instance, it could be applying oneself to one’s studies, engaging in constant training, or being diligent in one’s work. However, people who aren’t equipped with that courage end up stepping into an inferiority complex. Again, it’s thinking, I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed. “ IK
Healthy feeling of inferiority doesn’t come from comparing yourself to others, but from comparing yourself to your ideal self. Competition often only blinds you to your ideal self. You get pulled into races that you’re not willing to run.
Ego: “Those who go so far as to boast about things out loud actually have no confidence in themselves. As Adler clearly indicates, ‘The one who boasts does so only out of a feeling of inferiority.’” IK
Confidence: True confidence in yourself means there is no need to boast.
Separating tasks:
All relationship troubles stem from intruding on other people’s tasks or having your own tasks intruded on. Consider ‘whose task is this’ and continuously work to separate your own from other people’s. Similar to the Stoic task of separating internals from externals.
Intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks adds complexity, heaviness, hardship, and drama. If you want to optimize for simplicity, discard other people’s tasks and focus on your own.
Example 1: Studying is the child’s task. A parent commanding their child to do homework is intruding on the child’s task. The parent can only lead the child to their own decision or else they’ll only be successful to a degree because they can’t force this behavior.
Example 2: Not approving is your parents’ task, not yours. It’s not a problem for you to worry about. What another person thinks of you is their task, not yours. You have no control over this.
Horizontal relationships:
The standpoint of Adlerian psychology is that you should not praise or rebuke another person because both represent an act of judgment. The desire to be praised or give praise is indicative of vertical relationships.
“Instead of commanding from above that the child must study, one acts on him in such a way that he can gain the confidence to take care of his own studies and face his tasks on his own.” IK
Alex: Similar to relationships with managers in the workplace. To treat these are vertical assumes this person is all-knowing. In reality, they’re still learning and growing and you have a unique experience that might provide a better vantage point on a certain problem.
In horizontal relationships rather than praising or rebuking (as indicated in vertical relationships), express gratitude—thank you, that was a big help, I’m glad.
Meaning:
“Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual.” Adler