When Growth Gets Tough: How to Push Yourself Past the Trap of What Comes Easy

On the day after Christmas, I booked a last-second flight to Denver. My girlfriend, Meredith, and I had made the decision to leave our home of the past ten years in Nashville and jump at an opportunity in Denver. I had 48 hours to check out the neighborhoods and find a place to rent. But as I walked through different homes and apartments, the reality of leaving our lives in Nashville began to set in and I started to spiral.

To be honest, it wasn’t a difficult initial decision for us. The new position, the company (Snapdocs), the overall opportunity felt like a chance to push ourselves and level up. And Denver wasn’t a hard sell—it fits our lifestyles even better than Nashville. But the hardest part came after accepting the offer and when we started to go through the motions of actually leaving.

Growth always seems easy from the surface. That is, until you’re the one who has to do it. Then you’re reminded of how daunting growth can be.

The trouble is that, for better or worse, we struggle to remember this. Hedonic adaptation and hindsight bias quickly set in. After intense periods of growth—new jobs, cities, relationships, kids, challenging moments—the ups and downs of the experience are leveled out in time. It’s difficult to recall your precise mental state and the struggles you faced in those moments. 

And everything seems so certain in retrospect, as if all you had to do was show up. When you’re on the other side, all the ways you changed and grew now seem inevitable. But when you’re living it and trying to push yourself in the right direction, things feel far from certain.

It’s hard to leave something that’s easy

Growth is difficult. Because the truth is it’s hard to leave something that’s so easy.

That’s why so many people end up settling. If growth were easy, everyone would be doing it. But this tendency to settle and seek comfort is an unfortunate trap the human mind leads us into. 

Growth demands you venture into the unknown and sacrifice the familiar. And, damn, that is hard. 

In Nashville, everything was easy for us. We lived at the top of the best park in the city, had a beautiful home, knew our favorite restaurants and coffee shops, had a wonderful group of friends. I also had a great routine and strong relationships with everyone at work. These are the things that make growth so hard—the familiar and comfortable. It’s hard to leave that.

But Meredith and I asked each other, are we at a point in our lives where we want to make decisions based on familiarity, comfort, and routine? The answer was no. We still wanted to take risks and be able to look back at our lives knowing we put ourselves out there. Better to try and fail than live in a world of what-ifs. And that’s the mindset that won out. But it wasn’t easy getting there.

Strategies to push yourself in moments of doubt

When you’re the one giving advice, it’s easy to gloss over how difficult risks and challenges are. You just get out there and do it, right? To an extent, yes. But that doesn’t change the fact that growth is scary.

Denver is a risk. Picking up our lives, moving to a new city, and starting from scratch at a new job is difficult. But we used a couple of strategies for overcoming inertia and taking a leap that we believe will help us grow. If you’re facing a similar challenge, start by reflecting on these two questions.

First, ask yourself, what are examples in your life when you were scared but went through with something anyway?

Then, ask yourself, what are examples in your life when you were scared, listened to that feeling, and ended up calling it quits?

In my life, I realized there were examples of both that turned out for the best. Many defining moments have been when I’ve had the courage to quit something I didn’t believe in—fraternities, youth groups, college majors, relationships—most of these came in my early twenties. 

But there have been also been proud moments when I’ve stuck through initial learning curves of new jobs, improvisation classes, speaking engagements, international travel, and moments of vulnerability in relationships. I came out on the other side better for it. 

As I reflected, the opportunity in Denver felt more like this side of the example. We, and I, believed it was a unique chance to grow and push ourselves. 

It was one of those rare moments where we looked at ourselves and thought, we’re really going to have to step up and push ourselves to pull this one off. That’s the feeling you’re going for. If you can maximize the number of moments in life when you feel like you’re being challenged to level up, the better you will be for it. But the fear and excitement can blend together when facing these types of decisions.

Above all else, you must listen when opportunities present themselves. You can’t turn on blinders and ignore moments that challenge you to rise to the occasion. If you do, you’ll lose out on the best opportunities for growth. 

Once you take the leap, you must then trust yourself and commit. The Greeks had a term for this—euthymia, which Seneca defined as “believing in yourself and trusting you are on the right path, and not being in doubt by following the myriad of footpaths of those wandering in every direction.” 

Trust yourself. But prepare yourself. It won’t be easy. 

Prepare yourself for a battle

While you might look to articles, books, and podcasts for inspiration, just know that you’re in for a battle. Don’t kid yourself and imagine you’ll get by without a fight. You will face moments of doubt. If you accept this and you prepare yourself for these challenges, you’ll be better prepared to come out on the other side. 

It’s hard to leave something that’s easy for something that’s difficult. That’s why most people don’t do it. But as author, Sebastian Junger, points out, “Humans don't mind hardship, in fact they thrive on it; what they mind is not feeling necessary.” Just remember that the path of least resistance is rarely the most fulfilling.

If you’re unable to look beyond first-order consequences, you’ll never be able to see past the comfort, what’s easy, and your existing routine. We knew moving was a risk and an unsettling prospect in the short term. But we also recognized that the long-term room for growth was well worth it. 

There are still some days that I’m scared. Terrified, even. But growth is about putting yourself out there. It’s not enough to just talk about these ideas, you have to test them out for yourself and take your own risks in life. 

It’s going to be tough. If you want to grow, you must seek out opportunities to make your leaps. But equally important is preparing yourself for moments of doubt and hesitation. When you know these will come, you guard yourself from being caught off balance. Instead, you create the momentum to push forward anyway.

The Secret to Developing Thick Skin

If there’s a defining feature that sets apart smart creatives who are able to sustain themselves at a high level of performance, it’s thick skin. They’re persistent in their work and resilient to outside opinion and rejection. They’re able to put themselves out there, time and time again, and deliver. And while this might appear to be a natural talent, it’s far from it. It’s a skill that takes years to develop, and it begins with renegotiating expectations.

Many talented people struggle with this–entrepreneurs, artists, athletes, writers. While they might be brilliant in their work, when it comes to putting themselves out there, they end up demoralized or enraged by the slightest hint of criticism.

This becomes a downward spiral that throws off the entire creative process. Even if you are able to correct course, it’s an unnecessary distraction that disrupts your focus and pulls you away from more meaningful work.

Internal vs. External Expectations

To offset this and develop the thick skin required to put yourself out there, you must first differentiate between internal and external expectations, assigning each their proper weight. Internal expectations–the expectations you hold for yourself and your creative process–should always take precedence.

How your work is interpreted, received, or recognized, is beyond your immediate influence. It’s not that this is completely irrelevant, but it should matter far less because it’s an unreliable metric against which to measure yourself. The greater the importance you assign to external expectations, the more dependencies you introduce, and the higher the likelihood that you’ll end up pissed off, burned out, or distracted from the work that matters most.

Self-sufficiency is the path towards effectively managing expectations. In the opposite direction are dependencies–evidence of placing a premium on things you can’t affect.

When you prioritize the internal expectations you hold for yourself, you naturally develop the thick skin required to put yourself out there and consistently produce at a high level. Instead of seeking value in the recognition, you begin seeking value in the creative process itself. And this is the only sustainable path forward.

“The tranquility that comes when you stop caring what they say. Or think, or do. Only what you do.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Turn your attention back to what’s within your control. Put in the work. Focus on your craft. Create something that resonates with you. When you limit the external dependencies and surrounding noise, the more relaxed, concentrated, and effective you will be.

Feedback vs. Criticism

This is not to say that you shouldn’t seek feedback–which is critical to further developing and growing your skills. But feedback is to criticism as internal expectations are to external expectations.

In other words, the source is fundamentally different. Feedback comes from fellow creatives with skin in the game–the doers–who are taking risks by putting themselves and their work out there. These are the people whose opinions and judgment you should respect most. Criticism comes from insecure bystanders, shouting from a distance, who are incapable of creating anything meaningful of their own.

The intention behind feedback is also different. Criticism is often shallow and malicious in nature–focused on breaking you down. True feedback, from an inner circle whom you respect, is diligent, constructive, and objective. Its purpose is to challenge you to improve yourself and your craft.

In short, it’s about growth–which is a painstaking process in its own right–not about praise, telling you what you want to hear, or making things easier. It’s up to you to draw the line and determine who has your best interest in mind.

Create Your Own Momentum

When the inevitable criticism does come, use it as motivation and redirect that energy to create momentum of your own. With the right perspective, it becomes almost laughable.

Consider how much time and energy it took that person to criticize you–it consumed them. Nothing is a more sad, ineffective use of time–so let the childish tantrums end there. Refuse to allow yourself to be distracted by those without skin in the game. Their opinion holds no validity.

“An opportunist in life sees all hindrances as instruments for power. The reason is simple: negative energy that comes at you in some form is energy that can be turned around–to defeat an opponent and lift you up.”

— Robert Greene

For most talented, hardworking people, it’s just a matter of time. Which means you need to find the energy to keep going–to continue creating. The more dialed into yourself that you are, the less outside opinion should matter, and the more resilient you’ll be in your creative process. If you rely on external validation to keep you going, you’re going to have a short career.

A meaningful, fulfilling creative life demands hard work and tough decisions. Those who aren’t cut out for it will lean towards the path of least resistance, as defined by mindless consumption or shallow criticism. It’s easy to live that life.

If easy is what you want out of life, feel free to join the ranks of the unremarkable.

But those who make a difference show up, bust their ass, and sustain themselves at that level by having their expectations in order. They’re able to differentiate between internal and external expectations, valuing self-sufficiency over dependencies and feedback over criticism.

If you take the time to develop these skills–resilience, persistence, and mental toughness–outside opinion will lose its grip and you’ll be able to better carry your own momentum forward.