“We’re ditching you.” I stopped in my tracks, engulfed by a sea of classmates rushing towards the buses lined up alongside Cherry Tree Elementary. This was the drama of fourth-grade in my class of abnormally social ten-year-olds. After I “broke up” with my girlfriend at the time, I was deemed not cool enough to continue hanging out with my current circle of friends.
We were a strange group of kids, as our parents will likely attest. We did our best impression of teenage life—watching Total Request Live on MTV after school with Dunkaroos and Mountain Dew. We were all new to the dating scene, which at that age consisted of writing on a paper note your “Top Five,” ranked in order of who you wanted to date. If you matched with another person, that made if official. The carousel of dating remained in constant motion, as one’s “Top Five” was subject to change on an almost hourly basis.
While the entire situation seems decidedly stupid now, my friends ditching me was traumatic at the time. Kids are ruthless. And at that age, it felt like the end of the world. It was an early lesson that taught me to keep my ass down.
I learned to quit drawing attention to myself and found ways to block myself off from criticism and rejection by limiting my exposure to situations where I might fail. This was a defense mechanism driven by my need for acceptance and belonging. It helped me create a sense of safety—however false—as I navigated adolescence.
This became most obvious at school where I was afraid to speak up because I didn’t want to be wrong. Despite being a strong student, this trapped me in a low-learning state for years. The only way I was able to combat this was by reaching for depth outside of the classroom.
In my late teens and early twenties, I largely escaped this by channeling my contrarian nature. Fortunately, I’ve never struggled with peer pressure or listening to myself. But old thought patterns—especially those from childhood—require a deep awareness and years of work to overcome. It’s not an overnight thing. And without having done the self-work, I fell back into this mindset at the beginning of my career.
During big meetings I would feel myself sinking into a corner. I worried the room would judge my every word. Who was I to volunteer my opinion and ideas when everyone else in the room held years of industry experience?
As author, Carol Dweck points out, this is the hallmark of a fixed mindset which traps you into a low-learning state. The way this reveals itself is through a judge-and-be-judged framework. Your mind projects judgments of others and fuels your own fear of being judged. And this becomes your baseline.
But the antithesis is a growth mindset which shifts the emphasis to learning. Instead of a judge-and-be-judged framework, everything becomes based on a learn-and-help-learn framework. And this is how you better orient yourself towards a high-learning state.
Once you establish self-awareness, it will continue to take years of hard work, patience, and commitment. I still keep this written down in my journal as one of my top areas to focus on for the year. This reminds me to read and reflect on it on a weekly basis so it’s always near the top of my mind.
But the real benefits of a growth mindset are the threats it allows you to overcome and the bias towards action that it helps you create.
A bias towards action
One of the biggest advantages of making a conscious shift towards a learn-and-help-learn framework is that it lowers the stakes. It allows you to step back, put things in perspective, and see that not every word has irreversible consequences to you reputation. This frees you to focus on advancing the conversation and exploring different directions, rather than holding yourself hostage to the perfect answer.
I’ve found in my own career that there’s a tendency to lean on and look towards those with seniority. But everyone’s voice matters. You have a unique perspective that’s all your own. Your own experiences are just as valid. Besides, those who share your commitment to a growth mindset will appreciate where you’re coming from.
A bias towards thoughtful action accelerates the rate at which you learn.
“Becoming is better than being. The fixed mindset does not allow people the luxury of becoming. They have to already be.”
When you find yourself silently judging others, it’s a sign of insecurity and concern over being judged yourself. You become fearful based on the past or anxious about the future. This makes it difficult, if not impossible, to remain present. And growth requires some degree of action in this moment or else you’ll never get started.
By learning how to recognize and navigate this fear, you create more room for action. To perform at your best, you want to achieve a relaxed state of concentration where you’re focused on the task in front of you and what’s within your control. Not the externals and surrounding noise.
Top performers who take risks in their work certainly face their share of doubts. And if we’re being honest, a fear of judgment that ebbs and flows. But the difference is that they don’t allow that to dissuade them from creating and putting themselves out into the world. A bias towards action wins out because they better align themselves with a growth mindset that favors the impact of doing and learning over the fear judgment.
This also manifests itself in how we teach others. One of the easiest ways to identify those who are trapped in a fixed mindset is how they react when someone doesn’t know something they deem to be obvious. It becomes a joke and an opportunity to soothe their own ego at the expense of someone else.
Those who focus on a learn-and-help-learn framework see this as a learning opportunity to step back, provide context, and test their own ability to articulate the idea in a simple way. Rather than teasing that person, they appreciate the fact that they spoke up to ask the obvious and gain clarification.
Feedback isn’t a threat
For the same reason that a growth mindset encourages healthy risks and a bias towards action, so too does it help you reframe the feedback you receive along the way.
There’s a difference between feedback and criticism. The more sensitive you are to judgment, the more that line becomes blurred. Feedback is constructive and the more important of the two. Criticism is destructive and often comes from those without skin in the game who don’t have your best interests in mind.
But a fixed mindset takes everything personally. A person trapped in this state considers mistakes a reflection of their character. Everything is an attack, regardless of its source or validity.
Feedback is only a threat when you’re locked into a judge-and-be-judged mindset.
With a growth mindset, you disarm this threat. Feedback no longer feels threatening to your character and the stakes don’t feel insurmountable. You don’t have to be perfect or know the right answer every time. You’re able to contribute and push the conversation forward because you’re curious and driven to better yourself, rather than being consumed by the risk of judgment.
The learn-and-help-learn mindset views these as lessons that are just part of life. They don’t mean you’re any better or any worse of a person. Instead, the missteps, unknowns, and difficult feedback become an opportunity to learn and grow.
When you come to this realization, you’re able to properly sort between criticism and feedback. The criticism loses its sting. The feedback becomes actionable.
Reinvent and try new things
This mindset also manifests itself in how you explore new interests and allow yourself to evolve. With a bias towards action and the ability to reframe feedback, you create an openness to try new things. There’s less anxiety about failing when testing a new approach or exploring new interests.
Every data point, especially failures, are an opportunity to discover more about yourself—what’s worth doubling down on, improving, or moving away from.
Those who view learning favorably as a chance to grow, rather than obsess over the failure or perception it could create when they stumble, are far more inclined to find their niche during each chapter of life. They’re able to go wide, reassess their interests and reinvent themselves when things get stale. Because they don’t allow a fear of being judged or laughed at dictate every move.
With a growth mindset, your deepest fear becomes reaching a plateau in what you’re learning and your own abilities. Life is motion. Attempting to stand still and preserve an identity, worldview, or set of interests that made sense years or decades earlier but no longer resonates with you will leave you empty. Escaping a fixed mindset also allows you to escape the confines of comfort.
“The secret to happiness is this: let your interests be as wide as possible, and let your reactions to the thing and persons that interest you be as far as possible friendly rather than hostile.”
A fixed mindset locks you into a place of hesitation. If you’re only concerned about consequences and people’s interpretations, you’ll learn at a fraction of the speed. You’ll be less inclined to jump into action or try new things that you might suck at.
This is not just relevant to your twenties when you’re trying to find your place in life. It’s relevant in each decade. As your sense of authenticity and identity evolves, you can’t expect to remain still. Finding harmony in that motion requires growth of your own and trying out new things. You’ll never be able to find meaning in new areas of life if you’re unwilling to put yourself out there time and time again, regardless of age.
An opportunity to grow
A shift into this mindset begins with awareness—being able to step back and recognize when your instincts are pointing you towards a fixed mindset and operating within a judge-and-be-judge framework. Once you train yourself to identify this, you can create a buffer before acting and nudge yourself back towards a growth mindset.
This allows you a moment of reflection to remember that feedback is a learning mechanism each step of the way—rather than something to be feared. Whether you’re in your twenties or sixties, each moment you face is an opportunity to grow. You don’t need always need to have the perfect answer.
With a mindset built upon a learn-and-help-learn framework, what might have seemed like a sign of failure before becomes a positive sign that you’re putting yourself out there. And that’s how you grow. By showing up and being the one who steps into the arena.
In contrast, those who find themselves stuck in a judge-and-be-judged framework withdraw from contributing their own ideas and shut down when they receive anything less than praise. They watch from a distance.
Everyone acknowledges this at a surface level—some sort of feedback loop is important to progress. But far fewer people can actually face the feedback that it takes to grow. Whether embracing a difficult conversation or acknowledging an imperfect answer. It’s easier to settle back into the coping mechanism that is passive aggression or judgment without taking risks of your own.
If you want easy, it comes at a cost. But those committed to growth understand that life is about learning, no matter how painful that might be.
If you want to develop yourself, you’ll need to hone your own bias towards action, a deep appreciation for the present, and an openness to challenging feedback. It’s not about perfection. It’s about building the right mindset to carry with you.